The art of being selfish

"Love in a word is the gift of self."  -Pope John Paul II

Big change in my life seems to bring all my unhealthy habits and traits into full view. It pulls them out of the corners and caves I try to shove them into and throws them out for me to take a good look at.

I experienced a wave of similar feelings the first year Matt and I got married. My marriage was a big reflective mirror into my heart that made me realize I had much progress to make in the areas of patience, forgiveness and selflessness. I felt so undeserving of such a wonderful husband who seemed to have no problem in any of these areas. I learned a lot about having grace for yourself and to be thankful for the blessings God had gifted me despite my flaws. Everyone always said the first year of marriage is the toughest. They were right, but not in the way I expected. It was tough because I had to deal with a lot of things that Matt had already accepted me for, without me knowing those problems were even there. It was a very eye opening year.

And now here I am again, in the midst of big change, struggling with my own weakness. I admitted when we started this journey of parenthood that I was nervous of it rocking our boat. We had lived together before Rowan for almost 5 years. We had a pretty good balance going of working hard and enjoying our free time together. I knew having a baby would require sacrificing some of this but I figured we could find a new balance that wouldn't be so bad.

I didn't allow myself though, to think through what that sacrificing would look like. Here is what I am learning it looks like

-No more staying up to 3am and sleeping in until noon if I want
-No more catching up on my shows for half a day after my work week is over
-No more coming home Sat morning after working Friday night to backrubs and snuggles before I drift off to sleep
-No more taking my time in the bathroom to paint my nails, pluck my eyebrows, shave in a way I don't miss any spots, or ever soak in a tub
-No more family bike rides
-No more organized family room
-No more skipping lunches because I am too lazy to make something, I'm feeding two people now
-No more spontaneous date nights during the weekdays
-No more running into the gas station for a Dr. Pepper while my tank is filling up
-Less "smart grocery shopping" that would allow us to save money but meant I went to 3 different grocery stores, we are lucky to make it to one most days.
-Less disc golf
-Less alone time
-Less crafting/sewing/gift making
-Less new music listening
-Less picking up extra at work
-Less committees I have time for
-Less shifts with my closest work friends


I could probably think of more things I have mourned over the last 15 weeks if I tried harder, but I don't want to. When I step back from my little pity parties I have here and there I am hit with the fact that I am incredibly selfish. I look at this list and say get over yourself! Oh boo hoo your house is a mess and you didn't get a pop. It makes me embarrassed to list them out like this and look at what my life is "missing." I would give up any of these things for Rowan in a heartbeat, so why then is it so hard to be ok with letting them go?

I have been praying and struggling with this issue for a few weeks now but just recently have found words to express it. God has once again gotten ahold of my heart and reminded me to get it in check.  It's as though I have to teach my forgetful heart how I am called to live all over again. I am so good at being selfish if I let my focus wander and I hate that about myself. I have to re-remove idols that have crept back into my life. I have to prioritize my days not by the most urgent things but by the most important things....and those are not always the same. I have to die to earthly desires and put people first, esp my family. And most of all I need to find the joy in sacrificing. I know it's there when I look beyond my selfish tendencies, I just need to focus in on it.

This is also a good reminder as a parent to be patient with Rowan just as God is patient with me.

"Though I have fallen, I will rise. Though I sit in darkness, the LORD will be my light." 

Micah 7:8