Prayers and happys

This past week was a busy one. We had so much going on in our lives and our friends/family's lives. A week ago we celebrated my dad's 50th birthday with an all day extravaganza of games and challenges set up for him to earn money for his mission trip to Guatemala he is taking this summer. They included handyman work, basketball, golf, washers, food and music trivia and ping pong. He competed against his kids for most of them and overall dominated most challenges. We learned from the best I guess. It was a fun way to celebrate the day with him and give him a more meaningful gift. He is taking his trip at the end of June so we are praying baby girl waits for grandpa to get home or comes before he leaves so he can be here to meet her.

This was at the start of the day after he put on the shirt Alex made him. He has is "cash flow" jar in hand to collect his winnings. I managed to take no pictures, 2 lame points for the oldest daughter, so I swiped this from Amanda. I have gotten really bad at taking pictures lately. I keep bringing my camera to events and forgetting to actually take it out and use it.

Then the next day we celebrated big events with 3 different families. Matt went to his former co-worker and friend Riley's church in the morning as they dedicated his daughter Brooke. I was helping out in the nursery that morning at Jacob's Well so I couldn't make it with him. Then Matt ran back over to our church for the second dedication of the day, Noah Noonen, our close friends in our small group Annie and Grady's son. That was special to be able to celebrate that day with them and get to meet some of their family. We even got a decent picture of the 5, excuse me, 6 of us :)

Then we headed out south to Gardner for a couple's bridal shower for Matt's childhood friend and fiance, Jake and Lesley. We weren't sure who would all show up to the shower and it was a pleasant surprise to have all the Gardner boys Matt grew up with there. There was a lot of catching up and reminiscing. Boys do such a poor job keeping in touch with each other so it's great to have excuses like this to bring them together to hang out. We had a great afternoon and are so excited for the soon to be Mr. and Mrs. Nellor. They have a destination wedding planned for Destin, Fl which sounds like an awesome time.

Then on Monday, our friend Brian came to town and stayed the week with us while he worked out of his KC office. We were so glad to spend time with him and catch up on life. He and his fiance live in Ohio while she is doing her residency for med school. She is done this summer though and they plan to move back to KC after their July wedding. We can't wait to have them close again! We are also crossing our fingers all goes well with our labor and recovery so the three of us can make it to their wedding. We might be a little crazy traveling with a one month old but my sister has agreed to come along and help out which takes a lot of stress off, she is cool like that.

Other big events included

-Finding out 3 more of my friends are pregnant this week!!! So excited for them! Two of them have started telling people, my friend Emily from nursing school and my childhood friend from Chicago, Melanie. This makes my list of friends who are pregnant that I am praying for 18! Granted I work with a lot of them and my work is a baby factory, but still, it's a lot of praying. Each one of those babies and mommas I am close to are special and deserve a little shout out during prayer time so I made a list and have added specific requests next to any of them that have shared those with me. Each quiet time I run through my list and at the end I get to add our little girl. It is neat to have this unspoken bond with so many girls, to go through this experience together.

-A high school friend of mine traveled from Wichita to TX with her husband to have a tumor removed from his brain. The surgery and recovery has gone well so far and we are all praying the follow up tests show they got it all. She is currently pregnant with her second baby and I can't even imagine how stressful this whole ordeal has been for her and her family. She has a strong heart though and trusts the Lord so I am thankful that is able to bring her comfort through this all.

-My two friends Beth and Megan went to vacations this week. Beth and her husband haven't been on vacation in far too long and needed some time away together. And Megan is getting married to her fiance in FL. They both left last week so I have been praying for good weather and memories for the both of them.

-Hanging out with the Brandon, Julie and Daisy all day Sat. We had so much fun catching up and playing with their sweet daughter. I hope our baby and Daisy will be good friends growing up. It is great to see successful parenting modeled to us. They have really done a great job with her as she has transitioned from a baby to a toddler. They also taught her to sign so it is fun to be able to communicate with her and have her tell us what she wants without getting frustrated. She is a doll.

Whew, see I told you there was a lot going on. We also found the last two pieces of furniture for baby's room, a changing table/dresser and a rocker. One on craigslist, the other in the sale section of Nebraska furniture mart...score! My mom is going to paint her room while we are away in San Diego then I can post pics of our progress.

The last big exciting news of our life is Matt felt her kick on Valentine's Day. That was the best present he could have asked for. The look on his face was priceless. It warmed my heart to see him able to connect with her. Since then she kicks every time his big hand is over her. She can be asleep and not moving at all then along he comes and starts talking to her and puts his hand on my belly and sure enough she wakes and gives him a kick. I keep saying it is coincidence but he is sure that she knows it's her dad, so we will go with that explanation for now :) Here we are at 22 weeks, getting it posted in the knick of time!

Note to self, do your hair on Mondays...you know there is a picture coming so stop pretending your hair wasn't in a ponytail all day, it was and I can tell by the frizz. Slacker.

21 weeks and getting crafty

Well, she turned 21 weeks yesterday and wants to tell me all about it. She is moving around a lot more but it still feels like fluttering. I was told my placenta is anterior so I am guessing that is why I can't feel more defined movement yet. I also tried listening to her heartbeat with my stethoscope. After 20 min of searching I heard nothing but my own bowel sounds, sad. I am blaming that on my placenta too. I am back to having a totally normal appetite at last! I made stew last night and was able to eat it, which I deemed an accomplishment. My sweet tooth has been out of control lately. I usually crave candy, sugar, Sheridan's frozen custard....you know the norm, but with my appetite back it is like I am constantly seeking sweets. I have been trying to eat healthier now that I don't have to be picky d/t nausea but I can't say that plan is going so well. I eat healthier meals but man I binge at snack time. I bought some healthier options at the store yesterday but surprisingly those didn't sound as great as that hidden sleeve of thin mints and a box of mike and ikes when midnight snack time rolled around....shocking! I have concluded I will just have to eat all the candy/sweets in my house before I can pick better options, great self control huh :) I have started to try and work out again. I was in decent shape when I got pregnant but then went into sedentary mode for the first 14 weeks of pregnancy because I felt too awful and tired to even think of exercising. My friend Katie gave me her prenatal yoga DVD a few weeks ago and I have really enjoyed it. Our plan is to have an active birth and I feel like all the stretching and positions I am learning will really benefit that. I have been working in squats/lunges other leg exercises to help prepare as well. It is definitely not the intensity of work outs I was used to but I feel like I am exercising for a purpose right now. Just like one would train for a marathon by doing certain types of exercises or running certain intervals, I too am training...but for birth. So things I used to do won't be as important as others. I never cared about stretching before, now I that is a huge focus. I always did tons of ab exercises, now it is more legs. So it has been interesting trying new things and refocusing my efforts. And I have to say, giving Jillian Michaels a little time on the shelf has been quite nice :) Here we are with our weekly picture....

This week I have started working on projects for her room. I made my first crib sheet....YAY, bought fabric for her bed skirt and window box and started playing with fabric buttons and headbands for her. The crib sheet took way to long to make first time around. I was being very exact in my measuring and cutting, which I now realize was a big waste of time. Then my sewing machine had a glitch and I had to disassemble it and put everything back to figure out where the problem was coming from. And lastly I couldn't find a safety pin to thread my elastic through the bottom, so I tied it on a paper clip....which proceeded to fall off half way through the ordeal and I lost my elastic end. I had to pull it out and start over. Frustrating. But now that I know what I am doing, I am hopeful the next few won't be such a process. In the end it turned out so cute and fit perfectly that I couldn't be upset it took me awhile.

The next pictures are of two more fabrics I bought this week to match her room. The blue one is my front runner for her window box and the green for her bed skirt. I also found this link for making fabric buttons, who knew they came in a kit and it was soooo easy?! Bought the kit, took some left over scraps and in 3 min I had some cute buttons. These things sell for a fortune on etsy for name badge pulls, what a rip off. I am now making my own. I also am going to make clipies for her hair with them.

What I have not spent in clothes for this kid I have spent in craft supplies. I need to reign it in a little :)

And now because it is Valentine's Day I will leave you with my favorite version of 1 Corin 13 taken from The Message. Love can be shared and celebrated with anyone today. So many people look to be shown love today, but what if your focus was not receiving love but giving it. To not compare your display of roses or texts or chocolates but to step outside of yourself and love someone else. Take time to tell others you love them and give thanks for those who love you well.

If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I have gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love.

Love never gives up.

Love cares more for others than for self.

Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.

Love doesn't strut,

Doesn't have a swelled head,

Doesn't force itself on others,

Isn't always "me first,"

Doesn't fly off the handle,

Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,

Doesn't revel when others grovel,

Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,

Puts up with anything,

Trusts God always,

Always looks for the best,

Never looks back,

But keeps going to the end.

Love never dies.

So Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is Love.

20 weeks

We are now 1/2 way through the pregnancy, so crazy!

She is starting to peak out in normal clothes much more often. It is funny to me that some of my regular shirts are already too short to wear. I am attempting to use the belly band and try the unbutton your jeans look, not quite sure how that is going. The material just seems so thin that you can still see the outline of my button popping through some of the clothes.

In other news, we bought a crib....horray! We searched all weekend and bought one Sunday. Matt set it up while we watched the super bowl. We were applauding ourselves for multitasking until we realized the crib would not fit through the bedroom door. Brilliant. So we took it back out to the family room, took it apart, brought it back to the bedroom and set it up again.

 Driving off with the crib in tow. High fives all around

I also grabbed a picture of the mini dresser we got at the thrift store last week. My parents brought it up when they stopped by this weekend.

It ended up matching the fabric really well. I was so happy with it.

My parents came by to get measurements of the room and closet. My dad wants to build us some shelving in the closet, bookshelves for the wall and a box to put around the top of her window. We are so blessed by how crafty they are. They have always been into giving projects as presents and we gladly welcome all their help. My mom is going to get Amanda's opinion on the color for her room and then get to work painting away. Right now they are thinking some sort of cream with a little yellow since we have so many bold fabrics to bring color to the space. I am terrible at picking paint swatches so I am trusting their choices.

I go back to work tonight to start my three in a row. Work has been so much better lately. I am feeling normal, most everyone has found out and people are starting to be able to see her little bump. It is surreal to think in 3 weeks, she will be the size of some babies I have taken care of in the NICU. In 3 weeks...well 4 if we are not being too crazy, she could survive outside of me. Granted it would be with much help, many hurdles to climb and nothing we would wish for but it is still unbelievable I have held a child that size. She is becoming more tangible as a baby and less like a bunch of cells. It is amazing what God is creating right now inside of me. The systems and inner workings of her little body that will support her for the rest of her life are forming at a rapid pace. When I reflect on that, it makes me want to pray all the more for her health and safety as she develops. It also makes the babies I work with seem like more of mini miracles. Many of them should still be developing inside their moms in a safe, quiet, dark, protected environment and instead are thrown into our chaotic world and forced to finish up out here. It is amazing how resilient they are. I feel God's presence at my work all the time, watching over these babies just as he would if they were still being knit together in their mother's womb. I love that about my job. So I am ready to go back tonight, well rested and excited to see how God will use me to impact their lives today. 

Indecisive

Well this week has hit the culmination of stress up to this point of the pregnancy. Now that we know we are having a girl, all the decisions I was putting off are now smacking me in the face. In no particular order, here are the topics of conversation that have been talked about, researched and debated in the Clark household this week.

-Girl names  We bought a baby naming book thinking a book would be more manageable than the Internet. It led to Matt's list growing, with some really peculiar picks, and me still not loving many options. I came up with a small list of my own but all of them have something that bugs me. I am trying to just say them more often in hopes of me forgetting I have any qualms about them in the first place. No-go so far.

-Crib options This started out as a promising item to check off our list and has turned into a guilty nightmare. I originally started looking on Craigslist for a crib. I am not picky at all about the style, I just wanted white. We searched for a month or so emailing people with questions and negotiating prices. We found some great options for 75-100 dollars, much cheaper than the average crib at baby stores online I had seen. I also started researching crib safety about this time and realized that the latest recommendation is that cribs don't have drop rails. All sides should be stationary and the mattress should just have adjustable heights. I guess kids have been injured or killed by these drop rails and they are no longer making models like this as of last year. Which is great considering all used cribs would be made prior to that date and most likely still have drop rails. Sure enough, every person selling their crib that I emailed confirmed this fact. So then I was faced with a dilemma....stick to the latest safety standards and get a new crib or ignore the new guidelines and continue searching. My head was telling me that these instances of injury/death were probably rare but the safety people wanted to cover their butts and make new guidelines. I mean we grew up with drop rails, all the kids I babysat had them, daycares and nurseries had them...how harmful were they to any of us? If we bought a sturdy wooden crib that had a good latching mechanism we should be fine. Then I started talking to my friends about the issue. They brought up things like... What if the paint has lead in it? What if they didn't assemble it correctly? What if their kid/family/home was disgusting and your kid is now sleeping on the same mattress? What if their kid chewed all over the rails? What if something DID happen and your kid got hurt? How much money is your child's safety worth?....and the guilt began. I understand some things are not meant to be bought second hand like a carseat or breast pumping supplies....but a crib? It honestly never struck me as a dangerous item. So Matt and I started looking into new cribs to just see what was out there. We went to Nebraska Furniture Mart, USA Baby, Buy Buy Baby and Babies R Us. All the cribs there were either not a white option or anywhere from 400-1000 dollars. I was getting really frustrated by this point. We grabbed some food and brainstormed other options like Target or Sears that we had heard our friends had luck at. After looking online tonight I was pleasantly surprised at some options we found. I am still not crazy about ordering a crib I have never seen or felt the sturdiness of, so I am hoping we can see some in person, but I am hopeful moving forward. So there is where we leave off in the crib saga.

-Dresser options Much like the crib, we wanted to get these bigger pieces first to start planning her room. So the hunt began for a dresser. We went to some thrift stores that open on the first Fridays of the month here to try out our luck. After working 12 hours Thur night, I stayed awake to go to breakfast with my mom and head to these stores. Well Friday morning rolls around and it is pouring rain, I am in my crocs so my feet are soaked in 5 seconds and stay wet for the next 4 hours. The breakfast option we picked doesn't open until 8 so we waited in the car not so patiently. By the time we get to the first store I am tired, cranky, cold and wet...awesome. We ended up finding a really cute mini set of drawers for her room but no big dresser after a couple hours of looking. We saw some good options but they were all too expensive. Then I hurried home to get in bed since I had to wake up and go back to work that night. Sitting at work at 8pm that night I decided the 5 hours of sleep I had gotten was not going to cut it and shopping was probably a poor decision. My mom was such a good sport putting up with me and I am thankful we got to go. She had never experienced either store and it was fun to share that with her, I just wished the circumstances were better. Not an overall bust though considering we got a cute piece and got a feel for what was out there and what we want for the room.

The list continues with fewer stories and just more items of consideration.

-Cloth diaper options
-Car Seat options
-Stroller options
-Window treatment options...do we see a trend here?

My list has a lot of options. This is a problem for me because as of late, I am the most indecisive person ever. That is not my norm, I usually have opinions, I can tell you what I like. Well not anymore it seems. My pregnancy brain has not been forgetful, it has just been unable to pull the trigger about any decision I have. Where to eat dinner, what to pack for lunch, what movie to watch...if these are difficult, try picking a bigger decision. I read reviews and ask people's opinions and still can't make up my mind about anything for the baby. It is so odd.

Lucky for me, Matt has recognized this new behavior and adapted to it. He offered to help research, shop and give his opinions on things this weekend and it has been so helpful. It has taken a lot of the pressure off me and for that I am grateful. I just hope I am able to feel content with decisions we make and start being productive soon. Even though I can't seem to make decisions, my type-a personality is still expecting things to keep moving. Hopefully those two traits start working together soon and our to-do list starts becoming a done list.

And before this week gets away from me, here is our 19 week picture taken Monday.

I wore my first maternity shirts this week, not because I had to, but because I could :) I have decided from this week on I will start wearing different shirts on Monday for my picture. The white shirt helped when my bump was small to compare growth, but I am sticking out enough now to tell in normal clothes so why not spice it up.

This last picture is one of the fabric I bought for baby's room. This is the color palate we are working with. This was a decision I was glad I executed :)

Frustration

WOW, that last post just took me 1.5 hrs to post. There must be a glitch in the system because it deleted my last paragraph of that post twice. After rewriting it a third time I saved it to a word document and sure enough it deleted it again when I hit post. So I copied it from word, hense the wierd spacing and different text. Who knew a post about love could try my patience so much! Here's to hoping that never happens again, sheesh!

Love

This topic has been on my mind a lot lately. I have often heard parents say that they love their kids in a very unique way. Some moms have gone as far to say it is the best love they have ever felt; that when their baby looks at them or smiles at them, their heart just swells. People talk up the connection they have with their unborn babies or new babies as this amazing relationship. I have literally been told by one mom, you think you love your husband but just wait until you have a baby, then you will know what love is.


Can I be honest and say that I am just not there yet. I care about our baby, I am excited about our baby, I am thankful for our baby but do I really love our baby? I feel like the answer should be yes, of course I do! I feel like I would be a bad mom to say no. But if I am being honest with myself, with what my experience with love has been, I am not sure if I do. Since I now sound like a heartless person let me explain.
 

The deepest love I have ever felt has come from two sources in my life. If my baby was going to match up to or exceed any love I have ever felt she has big shoes to fill. Those shoes would belong to God and Matthew. The love I feel from these two sources is unbelievable. It is different from any other love because both of these people know me deeply and intimately. They know my faults, my fears, my imperfections, my sins and all the things I try to hide from many other people. They know all of that but still choose me. God comes into relationship with me each day with a fresh slate, a clean picture, another chance. He doesn't dwell on my past sins, hold grudges for what I have done or make me pay for my mistakes. He chooses to love me for who I am, an imperfect person. It is an undeserving love that I will forever be grateful for. I will never be able to love God in the same capacity that he loves me, it is far too great. So then I turn to my earthly example, my husband. Matthew is my best friend. He knows the true Rachael. I keep no secrets, I hold nothing back, I am an open book of crazy emotions and thoughts. He has seen me when I have been ugly, hurtful, ornery, spiteful, cruel and unforgiving. I have said things and treated him so poorly at times in the decade of knowing him, that he had every justifiable right to leave me, to not forgive me, to hold grudges. But he hasn't. He has stuck around, he has committed his life to me and he loves me. You see, love to me doesn't come without a price. It takes work, dedication, selflessness. People say their husband isn't the same man they once married, that the spark of love has faded into daily life together. It is easy to fall into the lie that love doesn't require effort, well unless you are God and that is part of who your character is. But since we aren't, we have to work at it. Who is patient, kind, not self seeking, not prideful ect all the time? No one. You have to choose to love, choose to clothe yourself in all its virtues. Do I think Matthew gets upset when I am snippy or rude to him, of course I do. But instead of getting mad at me, he puts aside his own pride and loves me despite my faults. This love that I am so undeserving of is the deepest kind of love I have ever experienced. It is the same love the Lord pours out on me and it is the same love I attempt to return.
 

So when I think of loving my baby, it is just different. This baby will love me by default, because I am her mother. I have seen some terrible examples for mothers where I work, but their babies love them just the same. This baby will know nothing about me, nothing about my faults, nothing about my character but will want me, will prefer me. It is just such a foreign concept to me. It seems like a much simpler, shallow love. It seems like the easy road to soak that relationship in and be consumed by this baby and its love, instead of working on loving others. Maybe that is why marriages struggle finding a new balance once a baby arrives. Maybe it is just easier to love this innocent baby than it is to love your imperfect husband. Although he hasn't really changed at all, he has always been imperfect, maybe it is just your attitude or lack of sleep/patience/compassion that has changed.

So maybe there is a different love that parents have for their children that I have just yet to experience. I hope there is, I hope I am blown away by it. I just also hope that by being mindful of the grace and love I have been shown, will help me preserve it. This undeserving love that has been shown to me is so unique because it calls out worth in people. It says you are worth attention, you are worth forgiveness, you are worthy of being loved. That is a big prayer of mine heading into parenthood, that Matt will continue to feel worth from our marriage, that he would feel loved. And that we will be able to give thanks to God for all the blessings and love we have received. And lastly that our daughter will feel loved. It may take me getting further along in pregnancy, or seeing her face for the first time, or learning her personality for awhile, but somewhere along the way I will realize and be able to confidently say that I love my daughter. Until that time I rest in knowing that the God who has shown great love to me, has loved her all along. He knit her together, he sees her heart, she is precious to him. He watches over her, protects her and loves her better than I will ever be able to and in that I find peace.