12 Week Appt.

This past Thursday we had our 12 week check up. The visit overall was short, I didn't even have to be examined. Rachel just asked us how things were going and then told us we would just listen for a HR with the Doppler. She leaned me back and searched around for a min or so before stating we should not be nervous but we will move to the ultrasound room to locate it. She said it was common this early on to not be able to pick it up via Doppler because my uterus could be more posterior. I must say my heart was racing walking into the other room. This was the moment I had been prepping for, the moment I had guarded my heart from, the moment I had dreaded since we found out we were pregnant. I wanted so bad to make it to the end of my first trimester and still hear that heartbeat, to know our baby made it. We met the US tech and she got me settled in. Within seconds, on the big screen in front of us, our baby came into sight. I was shocked how much it had grown in four weeks. And then she turned the volume up and the heart rate was heard loud and clear in the 160's. I started laughing and couldn't stop smiling. Matt was at the end of the bed fixated on the screen. Since the US was done to just pick up a heart beat, the tech didn't spend too much time looking around or taking pictures. She did take one where she labeled the foot. She made a comment like, oh do you see that, we've got a foot. To which Matt replied, oh just one huh?....in a somber tone. She then laughed and said, no there are two, as she switched the view so both legs/feet were showing. I was cracking up that he thought for a split second our baby had one leg. She was just trying to point out landmarks, not break any news to us. New favorite Matt/baby memory.

So we scheduled our 17 week appt to look at all the body systems and find out baby's gender. We debated for a while now if we wanted to know. It's funny when it is finally your decision, there is much more that goes into every question that gets brought up and you find yourself contemplating things you thought you had planned on. I always thought we would find out, but when people started asking we suddenly weren't sure. I also think girls play out a lot of decisions ahead of time, dreaming of what they will do or what it will be like. I have tried to remind myself that I am only one of two parents and really take Matt's opinions to heart. So even though I had thought about these things, we have never talked about them. I wanted to make sure we are both ok and on board with decisions like this. After much talk of not wanting to do neutral colors, being able to call baby a him or her, and us mentally prepping for one or the other, we decided we will find out. My heart has always been set on this first baby being a certain gender, so if it is not, I want to have time to embrace that and celebrate God's plan. Everyone always says they want a healthy child but deep down I feel most girls have a guess or preference as to what their first born will be. So of course, health is the most important fact in all of this but setting that aside, gender is something I have thought of a lot.

After this appt. we have started letting other people know and boy has that been great. Matt's work party was that night and he got to tell all his co-workers our fun news. I have started calling/texting some friends this weekend to fill them in. My parents got to share with their co-workers that they will be grandparents for the first time, which my mom is loving. I go back to work Wed and will start sharing if people ask. So in the next week or so I figure most people who are close to us will find out. I feel like we can step back and start celebrating finally. On a great side note, I have been feeling much better these past 5-6 days. I still am not 100% over being sick but I will take this over what it has been. I have felt emotionally more like myself as well. Less PMS feelings and more joy. I even crafted today with Beth, which may not sound like much but it has been a huge part of my life I have been missing these past 2 months. It feels good again to have a little energy and feel up to being creative. So between this development and our great news at our appt, this weekend has been wonderful. I don't think I realized how much anger, frustration, fear and anxiety I was harboring for awhile now...or maybe not harboring but recreating new each day. It feels good to let some of that go and embrace the goodness God has blessed us with now. To not resent that I felt so crummy and wasn't myself and enjoy how I am feeling in the present. So cheers to that!

1st post from yours truly,


Confession: If Chris Martin does it for my baby Mamma, Celine Dion rocks my world at Christmas time. Timeless, classic, powerful, and yes... epic.


Baby Clark, sorry to break it to you so early in the game, but you are stuck with nutty parents. On the bright side, inevitably, you will have a taste for fine cheeses, kielbasa, disc golf, and a proclivity for beautiful melodies with long meandering choruses (chori?).


Always around,


- Big Daddy MPC

Thoughts

Things that have made me happy lately....
-Coldplay's Newest CD....Chris martin I love you
-Feeling good the past 2 days and getting caught up around the house
-When I am up late at night the Christmas lights on my tree make me feel less lonely
-Christmas shopping with my mom and getting in some girl time
-My fantasy football team rocking the number one spot
-Celebrating friends birthdays
-Brisket and friends for dinner
-Wrapping gifts and listening to Christmas music
-How Matthew has been falling asleep on the couch to "be with me" as I watch TV or read late into the night
-For the first time "feeling pregnant." I could not wrap presents on the floor without my back killing me, my legs falling asleep, needing to pee every hour and my belly not moving out of the way to accommodate my leaning far over or laying on my stomach. When I suck in, there is still belly that sticks out. I guess there is a kid in there :)

Prayers on my heart....

- Beth and her family as they cope with losing their Grammie this week
- The Addinks whose van was stolen today
- Family and friends as they finish up finals
- P and B who have been sick this past week


What I am anticipating.....

-Hosting small group for advent celebration next week and having the chance to be hospitable to people we love very much.
-Celebrating Brandon's graduation and having a Christmas party with friends this weekend
-Shelby being done with finals and coming home!
-Party with the Vances next Tue and celebrating Lynley's first Christmas
-Seeing close friends in Wichita soon for a special bachelorette party
-Christmas eve midnight service at Jacob's Well, so life giving
-And mostly... celebrating the birth of our savior, Jesus, who is the ultimate gift of the season.

The Drehers come for a visit

Last weekend Gina, Adam and Sutton came to KC to celebrate our news. I remember finding out Gina was pregnant over the phone and having to wait to see her and celebrate. Those are the times that I wished we lived closer and could share moments like that in person. So I know how excited she was to get here and catch up. Even though they were only in town for about 24 hrs we managed to squeeze in a lot of fun. They left their mark in a number of ways, some of which include....one blue ornament on my red and silver Christmas tree......3 wise men that are now bum-rushing Mary in my manger....a missing airplane ornament....32 different kinds of paper airplanes and helicopters I am still finding in corners of my living room....a 30-some dollar bill from multiple chic-fil-a trips....and a sweet cliff jumping video now saved to our favorites bar. I have said so many times how nice it is that our husbands get along so well. It makes visits so fun knowing Matt is enjoying himself flying RC airplanes around the room and getting beat at Bond, while I can have some much needed girl time. She also brought a blankie and diapers for baby. For whatever reason the diapers got me. I keep looking at them thinking how weird it is that I will be using those soon. They weirded me out so much I just hid them under a bunch of books. I feel like a 2 year old hiding under a blanket, if no one can see them...they don't exist, right? I am just not ready for the diapers yet.

While she was in town, Gina also took pictures of Katie's twin boys. They are so cute....the boys and pictures.  http://ginadreherphotography.com/2011/12/the-weil-twins-family/    You should for sure check them out. Isn't my friend Katie gorgeous too? She gives all moms hope out there. If she can pull herself together so well with twin 6 mo olds, surely I can do it with one....at least that's what I keep telling myself.

I think my biggest fear as of late with this journey is not knowing how I will identify with my life as a mom. I know moms that become so self consumed with being a mom that they lose some of who they were as a person before. And I know motherhood will effect me, but I hope that it will just enhance who I am as a person, not change it all together. I think God blessed me with certain gifts and character traits that run the risk of being swallowed up by being a mom and I really want to be intentional about preserving that. When I am the most like who he made me to be; is when, I feel, I will be the best mom. So I have been praying lately that I don't lose sight of that. I have also talked about how much I love my life right now and I hope by adding this baby into my life, I will still be able to incorporate activities and choices I made pre-baby. I think that is one of the main reasons this first trimester has been so hard on me. Feeling sick all the time and sometimes depressed, I have not been able/felt up to having breakfast with friends after work, bringing meals to friends, visiting my sweet niece and just loving on others in general. So much of this past year has been opportunities the Lord has given me to bless my friends and family and I have found such joy in doing that. Now that the tables have turned some and I can't bless others as regularly, part of me feels sad. I just hope as this pregnancy moves along and even after baby gets here, I start feeling more like myself again and I can find time to still incorporate serving others. In the meantime, I will practice the act of giving thanks to all those who have pitched in and helped Matt and I. By meals, emails, texts, gifts....any form of encouragement has not gone unnoticed and we love you all for it! We are very blessed.

Horse Pills and Memories

So some of the freebies I got from my midwife were trials of prenatal vitamins. I have been taking a generic prenatal vitamin for awhile now as my normal vitamin. Its size is pictured to the left of the vitamins in this picture. So as you can see in comparison, these trial sized vitamins are freaking huge. I mean come on, how girthy can you get? Look out Manda, these can not be masked in applesauce. And I assume they are not cheap either as they give me a $75 dollars off my first purchase coupon. I checked the percentages of whats included in these vitamins compared to my OTC ones and it is not that far off. So here is to supplementing my diet with vitamin rich foods and saying yea right to these guys! ---->


In other news, I pulled out my baby keepsake bin the other night. My mom had brought it over and I have actually never gone through the whole bin. Now seemed like a fitting time to walk down memory lane. Here is what I learned/was reminded from my past.

• My dad actually did most of the recording in my baby book. I am assuming it was either because my mom was too busy taking care of me or because my dad is famous for his impeccable handwriting.
• They did make Nike high tops for babies in 1985 and thanks to my aunt I was the proud owner of some pink ones.
• My mom's baby showers were RIDICULOUS. So many people and as my dad quoted " a Fort Knox supply" of gifts.
• My mom's first thoughts after I was born..."Is she OK? A little girl?! Her eyes are open!" My dad's first thoughts after I was born... "She has fat thighs! The placenta looks like a big flank steak!"   Really dad? :)
• Almost all my birthdays and holidays recorded in my baby book had remarks of my fussiness and bad gas, love it.
• Ugly wallpaper was actually fashionable in the 80's for nursery decor.
• There was a bonnet in the bottom of the bin that I wore home from the hospital and was suppose to tuck in my dress on my wedding day as my something old. It was a good thought.
• I was 100% girl, as evidenced by the wave of ruffly clothes that I unveiled the deeper into the box I dug.

It's pretty cool my parents saved all that for me. I appreciate it more now than I ever have before. It's weird to look at pictures of my mom pregnant and finally identify with that stage of her life. It is such a huge part of who she is, being a mom and all, and it is crazy to think it will soon be a part of my identity too.

I'm nervous to go back to work again tonight. I have had a week off for the holidays and it has been so great to not play the "pretend I feel great" game. This weekend was esp. rough and I wasn't getting much sleep because I would wake up sick every 2-3 hours. Thankfully the past 24 hrs have been better. So here is to hoping I feel ok through the next 3 nights of work! I am so ready to start liking my job again and not dreading it. 12 hours is just such a daunting feat when you feel crummy. Prayers are always appreciated.

The Springers find out

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q_2K4MXTA9g
Watch your ears around 1 min 20 sec. :)

Best day of pregnancy yet!

Well the news is out! On thanksgiving we told both our families we are pregnant. It was my brother's birthday so we went over for breakfast to celebrate. I had made a onesie for him to open as his first present. We told my parents that we were pulling a prank on Alex and needed to borrow their video camera so we could get in on film. So Matt was taping as Alex opened his card that read A^lex + B^day = (BIG NEWS) (M*R^3).....it looked better written out than typed :) Then it said look inside for more clues. He opened the onesie up and it took a good 10 sec for it to kick in what everyone was looking at. Then the room exploded, the shrieking was deafening. Amanda sent the video to our family so I will have to get her to send it to me so I can post it. It was a pretty surreal moment.

I have to preface this story by reminding those who didn't know, Matt proposed on Alex's birthday 4 years ago. Matt thought Alex's birthday was on thanksgiving, what he failed to remember is that is not an every year occurrence. So by accident we stole his thunder. Then with this occasion, we really wanted the whole family to be there and this was the best day to tell both sides. So once again we are thunder stealers. He is always a good sport about it. Love you Alex!

So we hung out for awhile but had to cut our time short to go to the Clarks for lunch. There Matthew offered up the Thanksgiving prayer and at the end he prayed for the children of the family and that his wife wouldn't get sick at this meal. He wanted to have a cliff hanger for people to have to guess and not just be told but instead he got an awkward pause where I had to interject....I'm pregnant! Then the silence broke and everyone was excited and happy.

Overall it was great to tell everyone and share our excitement. After talking with Matt's sister, we realised I was pregnant when her daughter Lynley was born. So our babies will be about 9 mo apart. They could even be in the same grade in school. Those little things make it exciting to start imagining how life will be. It is cool how our little family is part of a much bigger family. By us having a kid we make my parents first-time grandparents, my grandparents first-time great grandparents and my siblings aunts and uncles. We join his side to add another grandkid to Phil and Tina's growing number, we add another cousin to share in the fun and if we have a boy, we have the opportunity to pass on the Clark name. It is crazy to think how God can effect so many lives through just one person. I am thankful we have young parents who will hopefully be a big part of our kiddo's life. Matt and I cherish the relationships we have made with our grandparents, so it's neat our kid has that chance too. Our kid is also incredibly blessed to have such amazing aunts and uncles. I mean what better role models in sports, music, art, and living life for the Lord could one kid have? I know whatever my child chooses to pursue in life, the support will be there. And let's just say after being shown up in family football, basketball and dodge ball at the Clarks and sidelined in the kitchen at the Springers (I mean pumpkin cheesecake cupcakes Manda? Give me a fighting chance!), most of that modeling won't be done by mommy. So here is to family, may the love continue to be passed on through and across generations!

Meeting the Midwife

This past week we had our first appt. with our midwife to check on our little tot. I had been anxious for this appt. to make sure everything was looking alright and to make sure we only had one little one in there, not two. After having one of my close friends have twins, I must say it crossed my mind often! My friends in my small group had used midwives for their deliveries and after learning much about the experiences they had with their prenatal care and labor, Matt and I decided we also wanted to see a midwife instead of an OB. A certified midwife is a masters prepared nurse. I have always thought I wanted to honor my profession by using a midwife when the time came but having friends with positive midwife experiences just reinforced that. There are a lot of misconceptions about midwives out there so to clear up some of the confusion I will address some of the main points. No, I will not be delivering in a kiddie pool in my living room, I will deliver at a hospital with a good NICU. Yes, I will have an OB on backup in case of an emergency like a c-section, there are two that work at my midwife's practice. Yes, interventions like pain medication and epidurals are still an option, just not the first choice. No, I will not have a doula, I have a supportive husband who is willing to be there through it all. There is a lot I am still learning about the whole delivery step in this journey, but from what I know so far my views align more with a midwife's train of thought than an OB's.

So here enters Rachel, our awesome midwife. I brought a list of questions to our first appt. to interview her and make sure she was a good fit for our family. Turns out she is awesome and I could tell right away this was going to work. Ironically enough her husband's name is Matt too. She went over a lot of general info that was good to hear or have reinforced. She then explained that the Ultrasound tech was out of the office for the day but she would like to attempt herself to get a peak at the baby. After calling in the other midwife for assistance and probing around a bit we got this...

Not the best quality picture, but a picture non-the-less! One baby who is good sized and moving around! And we got to see baby's heartbeat flicker on the screen which was also surreal. She put the print out pictures in my hand and it was such a weird feeling to look down and think, "That baby is ours." I have held so many friend's US pictures, it was just so crazy to be holding my own.

We scheduled our next appt. and left with tons of freebies and swag. To the point where I was a little overwhelmed. My coffee table already looks like this from books, gifts and information friends already gave us.

Now I have a whole bag of more pamphlets, workbooks, formula and vitamin samples and so on. So much stuff! I am thankful for all the gifts we have been given. We have some wonderful friends who have jumped in to celebrate and support us and it has been such a blessing.

On a bummer note, my sickness is back. :( It was so wonderful to have some relief but it almost hit worse than that first week this time around. I have been up at night unable to sleep because I feel so sick and then my whole day is just thrown off. Praying again for relief heading into the holiday week with family in town. Speaking of that, only 3 more days until we tell our families! I am SO excited! We both have siblings that live farther away and can feel left out of the the loop with things so it was important to us to tell everyone in person at the same time. Obviously if that couldn't have been arranged than we would have told anyway but we lucked out by having everyone of our siblings in town this year for Thanksgiving. This has not happened on Matt's side for years. So with that opportunity we are sharing the news with both sides on Thanksgiving. This has been one of the most hardest parts of this first trimester so far. We have seen both our families numerous times since we found out and have had to put on a happy face and pretend I don't feel like barfing every 5 min. But I know the wait will be worth it when everyone knows and there is no pretending anymore. So here is to celebrating and being thankful this year for the many blessings in our lives!

So begins the faith part....

My first week after we found out we were pregnant was awful. People have endured much harder physical struggles, but for me it was the most trying time I have been through. I was so sick 24 hrs a day. My mother had always warned me she was sick as a dog when she was pregnant with us so in my mind I had mentally told myself it was going to be rough for awhile, but nothing really prepared me for how emotionally taxing it would be. I was borderline depressed. I couldn't do anything but lay on the couch without feeling ten times worse. The thought of seeing people or scheduling plans made me overwhelmed. I didn't want to talk much and nothing brought real relief. I cried on my way to work every time I had to go back. Not only did I feel awful at work, I had to put on a happy face and pretend I was felt great because we weren't telling anyone yet. I work with 200+ women, it is like a gossip factory. Who's pregnant, who do you think is pregnant, who should be pregnant next? If we miscarry with this pregnancy, I only want my close friends and family to know. I don't need that to be the latest work gossip. So I told my orientee about it and explained she might have to cover for me if I run to the bathroom or have to take a million snack breaks. She was more of a blessing than she knows during that time. It is really hard to focus on anything, let alone taking care of sick kids, when you feel so crummy. She allowed me to not call in sick to work at all. But even coming in and sitting in a chair for 12 hrs was more energy than I had at that point. I would watch the clock tick by in 15 min increments just praying for 7 am to come faster. I was just miserable. Instead of joy I felt defeated. I wanted so much to be happy and grateful and thankful but all I could be was a pathetic excuse for a wife, friend and nurse. Speaking of being a pathetic wife, my husband deserves a big shout out at this time. I knew he was amazing, but he has never had to step up to the plate like this before in our marriage. Timing was so perfectly planned that the start of the sickness began the week he was off work between switching jobs. He was suppose home studying hard core that week. Instead he managed to still do that while cleaning, cooking, helping with laundry and taking care of me. What a stud. His presence of just being around and encouraging me was so special. Even though he couldn't make me feel any better physically, his dedication to our family spoke volumes. They say it is fun to see your husband take on the identity of a dad and embrace that new label and that has been a true story. His excitement over all this has helped fuel me on. He talks to the baby and has already read it a book. His mindset shifted immediately to caring for the baby as well as his wife. He is the best and I love him.

Looking back now, it seems silly I was that upset about everything. My biggest source of anxiety and sadness came from the fact that the time frame was indefinite. You hear of some women having nausea until they give birth. The thought of 9 months of feeling like that was too much to handle. Even living like that for the next couple months was overwhelming. We told some close friends we were pregnant that week and began asked for prayer, for safety of the baby and for me to be functional again. I brought verses of strength with me to work to pray through when it got tough. We got out of the house and made it to church those 2 weeks and just prayed. And God was faithful. My nausea started to lift and remedies others recommended seemed to help slightly. I still don't feel amazing and have my moments but overall it is so much better. I am finally able to feel excited about the pregnancy and thankful for this blessing. I am able to see all the support around us and rejoice in the good news. It also gave me an urge to pray for the health of those around me who are suffering. People we know fighting cancer, struggling with undiagnosed ailments and those with lifelong battles, to those friends and family, prayers are being said for you. I know God listens. He is faithful.

The Start

There are a lot of things I always said I would wait to do until we had kids. Who needs to see a picture of Matthew and I on a Christmas card? What do we have to catch on video that we would always want to remember? What would be interesting enough about our lives to ever write on a blog? Sending Christmas cards, buying a video camera and starting a blog...our life has finally reached that point.

"Remember, Remember, the 5th of November."
If anyone knows Matt, they know he loves to quote movies. Almost to a fault. Almost to the point where he can carry on a whole conversation just speaking in movie quotes. I try to throw in a quote here or there and always fail. I get the line mixed up or the phrasing wrong and then he shakes his head and laughs at me. But this quote I was proud of remembering better than Matt, he started.....Remember Remember, November the 5th....then paused all confused realizing he was wrong and I corrected him! (We won't mention tha once I got him started, he went on to finish the whole speech perfectly. He had just watched V for Vendetta so it was a little unfair anyway.) Anyway, this quote will always stick in my mind now because Nov 5th was the day we found out we were going to be parents.

Wow.

I am still processing what this means and that it is happening to us. I am trying to wrap my head around the idea that God wants us to raise one of his children. Something I have dreamed of my whole life, I now seem so unfit to do. I thought my intial reaction to a positive pregnancy test would be pure joy. I would be elated, Matt would take time to process and then later we would celebrate together. Instead I was giddy for about 5 seconds before I felt this overwhelming wave wash over me. The weight and responsibility of it all was numbing. Coupled with the awful nausea I was feeling at the time, it left me feeling vulnerable and scared. I mean my life is wonderful. I have been so blessed with an incredible husband, family, friends, and job. Who am I to say I need anything more? Why would I risk rocking this boat of happiness? Why am I not just content with it being Matt and I? I have wrestled with these questions and others this past week before God broke into my self absorbed world and shook things up. All the questions I had centered around me, not God. I was speaking as if getting pregnant was all my choice, my decision. While I agree I had to help with the mechanics of it all, he is the one saying open your heart to love more, add someone else to your sailboat, stretch yourself out of your comfort and contentment and embrace this child I have blessed you with. Timing is the father's business and his timing for our family is now. And though I may be, He is not overwhelmed.

So here is to starting a new chapter in my life that will be characterized by learning to trust, having faith and living in life, not fear. He is not overwhelmed.