Refocusing

If you haven't picked up on my underlying emotions through my other posts recently, I will just throw this out there for you. I have been a huge stressed out mess for about the last week. I don't know if there is one big reason for this or not but everything lately seems so overwhelming. I can't make enough time for people, I have too many commitments and I can't manage my time well. Plus this is just a busy time of year in general for us. I have been internally freaking out and have yet to taken a step back and refocus. So that was my goal this morning. I went to bed with my computer, journal and bible all ready for me in the morning and carved out time to be intentional with God. For days I have been throwing up quick prayers or listening to Christian music as I am running around town, trying to grasp at the feelings of comfort I knew only he could bring. So this morning was good. I listened to a sermon we missed at church which spoke about fear and faith. Our pastor asked, When you start getting stressed out and afraid, do you leave God out of your plans? He encouraged us to have a vertical perspective on life, not a horizontal one. This was so true of what my life has looked like, a horizontal picture of me running around like a crazy person, caught up in my check lists, totally leaving God out of things. He also discussed how our lives are circles of life then death then life again, but we have to let ourselves die in order to experience that life once again. I needed that reminder to die to myself this week. To die to the control I was wanting to have, the the plans I had of fixing things and to the stress I was all worked up about. I needed to just keep calm and allow God to lead. When has taking matters into  my own hands ever worked? Yet, like an idiot I still try all the time. So this morning I reached out and God re-centered my life, refocused my thoughts and took on the burdens I have been carrying. He is such a forgiving and loving God to extend peace to me yet again, when my actions don't show that I deserve it. If you are having a stressful start to your spring, I encourage you to do the same. Reach out and stay calm. Things will get done, relationships will survive, peace is an option.

Here we are at 26 weeks, wearing a solid shirt for Aunt Amanda. Our printer ink is giving out and making our signs harder to read. We will have to fix that soon. :)

Vacation Rundown

Our trip to San Diego was wonderful. It was so nice to get away and have so much time together. I think we were a little spoiled because this week we have both made comments about missing each other. I forget how nice it is to sleep with my husband every night until we get little reminders like this. We were really happy we stayed on Coronado Island. It had a resort, laid back, beach feel that I think we would have missed out on had we stayed downtown. It was relaxing to come back to the island after our day trips and feel safe to walk the streets and beach at night or chill at the resort. The resort itself was beautiful. We had a patio that was walled in by a garden so you had privacy, a huge comfy bed and great bathroom, def one of the nicer hotels we have stayed in. They had lemon, lime and orange trees on the grounds that we picked fresh fruit from, 4 heated swimming pools, a private marina and beautiful landscaping. Day One we just hung around the resort exploring and relaxing in the morning. Then in the afternoon we headed to downtown Coronado to see The Hotel Del and beach

Matt jumping for the perfect orange

Relaxing poolside in the morning

The next day we headed north to La Jolla. It was beautiful there. The coastline was breathtaking. We went to the Children's Pool to see the sea lions, walked along the coast, went into some caves and had lunch in the park. Then we headed to Torrey Pines Gliderpoint to watch para sailing and hang gliding. This area is well known for great conditions to do both sports and it was so entertaining to watch them all take off, land and maneuver around. We found a trail that lead us down to our own private viewing point.

Children's Pool

The sea lions had all recently given birth and there were babies everywhere

Heading down the cave

Finding our secret spot

The next day was the biggest bummer day of the trip. I woke up at 5am with severe lower abdominal cramps. They were so bad I couldn't even get out of bed or find a comfortable position to get into. I wasn't feeling any contractions and had no bleeding so I wasn't too worried at first but as the day wore on and the pain did not wear off I decided to call Rachel and check in. It was almost 2 in the afternoon by that point and I was worried the duration of all of it was now concerning. After running through a bunch of questions, Rachel felt pretty confident it was musculo-skeletal pain and that the baby was fine. She told me to take ibuprofen and drink a lot to rehydrate. I had an appt already scheduled the day after we got home so she said she would check in then. (At that appt she did a physical exam and determined my abdominal muscles had severely split and the baby had "popped." That, combined with typical Round Ligament pain, made her confident it was my body getting used to her and being stretched out. This was a relief that nothing was wrong with her but not the best news since there is no easy fix.) I just don't remember any of my pregnant friends talking about cramps like I was having. I figured I would be sore as everything moved and stretched, but I wasn't prepared for severe cramps. Since then I have had them come back off and on and had to take ibuprofen to curb the pain. Work was not fun this week because they kept happening there and I was so uncomfortable. Overall though, nothing can be as bad as how I felt the first trimester so I am trying to keep it in perspective.

We didn't do much the second half of the day because it was cold and I still felt pretty bad.  We went to watch some surfers off Point Loma and drove down the coastline.

The last day we went to Balboa Park, In and Out Burger and Point Loma's National Park grounds. My cramps weren't as severe that day and the weather was lovely so it was a nice wrap up to our trip. Baby decided she officially likes In and Out Burger too :)

It is crazy to think how different traveling with her will be. Things like, we ALWAYS carry on our bags, never check them. I tried to explain to Matt that won't work anymore but he was unconvinced by the amount of gear needed for a baby to travel. We took a 25 week picture when we were there but also took a late in the week on St. Patrick's Day.

We went to the home opener of Sporting KC right after we snapped this pic. Matt's work had free tickets and it was a blast. I am starting to feel like now that we are back there is a lot to do to prepare for her and we need to get organized. Registering is next on the agenda. I am excited and overwhelmed by this. More on that adventure to come later....  : )

A little preview

This week has been crazy. We got back in town and immediately went to Olathe to visit Matt's sister and family who were in town when we were in Cali. After a late night of catching up I only had a few hours the next day to run some crucial errands and do some laundry before I went back for three in a row. Then all today we did taxes and capped off the day with a date night at the home opener of Sporting KC soccer. Needless to say I have had little time or energy to much else in between all this, including blogging. I will post more details/pictures of our trip soon, but for now here is a little preview of our babymoon.

25 Weeks!

OK, off to bed for tonight, this momma is tired. Promise I will write more soon!

Can't handle the cuteness!

I am starting to wonder if I will ever get over adorable girl things? I know I can't post every outfit we get for her on this blog but this little dress had to be showcased. Our friend Leanne just got back from California and brought back baby a present. (What's with cute west coast souvenirs lately?) I told her when I opened the bag I was secretly hoping it was a shirt for me because the fabric was so great. She will look so sweet in it!

My schedule is all weird this week because we are going on vacation this Thursday, so I worked Sunday and Monday. We had to move our picture session to Tuesday so we are a little late in documenting 24 weeks. Since Leanne came over for dinner tonight she jumped in and shared in the fun.

Front view with jazz hands :)

We finally saw her move this weekend, which was awesome. Matthew and I sat there last Friday night and watched my belly jump around for about 5 min. Her kicks are starting to get stronger and more defined. I am feeling this weird maternal urge to put my hand over my belly when she kicks a lot as if to acknowledge her and let her know I am paying attention. Still haven't wanted to rub my belly yet, as I have seen other pregnant moms do. I'm not quite sure if I know what that is all about but I do like feeling her move around.

I also had our annual Mardi Gras Party with my co-workers last weekend. I danced in typical Rachael fashion, as I do every year at this get together, and I learned that

1. My center of gravity is not the same now with a belly and my balance sucks...as evidenced by me almost falling over multiple times and trying to cover it up by transitioning into a different dance move.

2. I am not the same person I was 24 weeks ago and should not kid myself into thinking I can still drop it low. Tried that move a few times and my legs quivered and shook and almost gave out.

3. When they tell you all your ligaments and muscles are loose and can easily be stretched, they were not kidding. My belly was so sore the next day it was unreal!

4. Dancing is still the best work out I can think of, cardio and strength training all in one and it doesn't even feel like working out. I need more dance parties in my life. 

Lastly, I will end with a cute dad story. Matthew has always been a heavy sleeper that gets very startled if you wake him up. If he wakes up randomly in the middle of the night, he is usually confused and disoriented and looks at me like he has no clue who I am. I always have to say something to calm him down and remind him it's just me before he chills out and lays back down. I stay up later than him since I am on a night schedule a lot, so I see these random wake ups frequently. Well lately he has just started to wake up and instead of looking around all confused he immediately reaches for my belly and either pats it or kisses it and then will lay back down. He is still dazed and not fully awake but that kind of makes it cuter. It is like some protective dad gene has awaken in him and he needs reassurance everything is good to go. I wonder if that means he dreams about her sometimes. No matter what is happening in his mind, it has been pretty sweet to watch :)

This is probably my last post before vacation, we will have to take our 25 week picture in San Diego! Here is hoping for good weather and a relaxing time! I'll be sure to have lots of fun pictures next post.

Transition of thought

We hit the 23 week mark on Monday and by now I officially have seen a baby her gestation outside of the womb, crazy! Here she is getting bigger...

And I finally took some pictures of her last pieces of furniture we acquired.

We also got some more sweet gifts for her lately. Lesley and Jake, Natalie, Brandon and Julie and Beth got us these fun outfits and accessories. I love navy on little girls so I in turn love these outfits. Then Beth and Roy brought her back the shoes from their CA trip, adorable. We are so lucky to have such giving friends. I continue to be touched by people's generosity.

Now that all the fun picture sharing is through, I will get back to my original thought. Oh viable age. I am convinced only NICU nurses think about this milestone as a scary one and not an exciting one. I have been talking to a lot of people this week and processing outloud what that means to me and the emotions I have tied to it.

If you are a worrier by nature, I think most moms will agree that they get nervous at 3 stages of pregnancy. First, they are nervous about miscarrying during that first trimester. Some say they are happy to be sick or wish they were sick just so they could be assured the baby is still in there and doing ok. Then they get over that and get nervous for their big 18-20 week ultrasound that shows their baby is healthy and growing well. That US usually picks up any major defects or abnormalities in development and when the tech tells you everything looks fine, you breathe a big sigh of relief. Then everyone talks about how great the second trimester is and they enjoy themselves until they get closer to labor, which brings on the last stage of worrying before pregnancy is over.

I can relate to each of these stages somewhat but as I have posted before, God has really calmed my heart and brought peace into to those places I thought would only hold fear. But for some reason I am struggling with this additional milestone that people don't really talk about much. The worry that surrounds reaching viable age, which is why I am convinced it is a NICU curse of some sort. I have clung on to the fact that if anything happened to our daughter up until this point, there was nothing Matt and I could do about it, it was all in God's hands. Though I never want to experience what losing a child would be like, I acknowledged my lack of control over the situation and trusted in God's plan for our family. Up until 23-24 weeks gestation there is absolutely nothing medically that can be done to save a baby if the mom goes into labor or if the baby starts to have problems in utero. It can not survive outside of mom. But, if you can make it to that point where you hit this magical number of weeks, all of a sudden the conversations change. If that baby makes an early arrival, there are decisions to be made. I think I am frightened because it would be our first official decisions as parents. I know God would be present to us at that time but the Doctors would be looking at us for the go ahead. I want our first parental decisions to be things like, Do you want to cut the cord? What side do you want her to feed on? What do you want to dress her in? Not decisions like, Do you want her to be intubated? Do you want meds given? Do you want us to do everything possible? Now I realize for some people this is not a worry because there is no decision to be made, of course they would ask for everything to be done! They would say save my child and it would be in the doctors hands at that point. I unfortunately have a different perspective on that scenario. I have seen the 23 weeker rushed to Children's Mercy intubated and "saved" only for it to arrive and us to say, why did you put this kid through this...there is nothing we can do. At that point you proceed onward with care but in the back of your mind there is something telling you this is not right. This child was too little, he is suffering too much, there has been too much damage done. These are not fun things to think but it is a reality all my co-workers and I face at some point. You wonder if the parents asked for everything to be done because they thought this was the best possible thing for the child or because it was the best possible thing for them. I struggle realizing I will have to separate myself from my daughter one day and make decisions that are in her best interest, even if that means they break my heart.

Then even if they do survive their early entry into the world, it is an uphill battle to get to term gestation. They are at risk for bleeding in their brain, a neonatal infection that can eat away their intestines, complications with their heart's ability to close certain ducts, loss of vision and stiff undeveloped lungs that end up needing a home ventilator to keep working. Now I know these are worst case scenarios. I know 24 weekers can be born and make it home with no complications, I have seen that happen too. I am just trying to show that my perspective is broader and is colored by experiences I live through at work every week.

So in the face of knowing all these things I find myself having to make some choices. Am I going to live the next month or two worrying or am I actively going to reach out for the comfort God offers and enjoy this trimester? I was reading my devotional book this week and Wednesday's passage jumped out at me, speaking directly to this fear.  It was a story about a boy who's grandma promised him a stamp collection book for Christmas. Christmas came and went and nothing arrived for the boy. His mom was let down her mom forgot but the boy was unfazed. He was convinced grandma just didn't mail it in time and it was still coming. Two months passed and the boy decided to write his grandma a note thanking her for picking out the best book for him, even though nothing had come. A week later his grandma wrote him back and explained she had ordered 2 different books, had back order problems and shipping problems but thanked him for his patience and sent him money instead to pick out the book he wanted. He was so excited and told his mom, "See I told you Grandma was sending my gift!" Now on the surface to me it looked like a cheesy story and I would bet money that grandma DID forget and was covering her butt. And I felt the boy was jiped by getting money sent to him. Come on grandma, you took the easy road out after this kid sent you a cute letter...lame. However, if you step inside the mind of this little boy and the faith he had that his grandma would come through, it is a good reminder. The devotional finished with this statement, "It is only human to want to see before we step out on the promises of God.".... "Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed." John 20:29 

God makes promises to us, they are littered throughout the Bible. And He always follows through on them. It is my job then, to have faith in those promises for me and my family. I need to anticipate God's good plans, not just thank him after the fact. That is how faith can bring about true peace. These are the promises I have picked to center myself on over the next few weeks. We would love for you to pray along side us, if you feel so compelled.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."    Jeremiah 29:11

"Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes, its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit."   Jeremiah 17:7-8

"They cried to you and were saved; in you they trusted and were not disappointed." Psalms 22:5

"Do not be afraid, for I am with you."   Isaiah 43:5

Stay in there little nugget! Keep growing and getting bigger. Love Mom and Dad :)