The art of being selfish

"Love in a word is the gift of self."  -Pope John Paul II

Big change in my life seems to bring all my unhealthy habits and traits into full view. It pulls them out of the corners and caves I try to shove them into and throws them out for me to take a good look at.

I experienced a wave of similar feelings the first year Matt and I got married. My marriage was a big reflective mirror into my heart that made me realize I had much progress to make in the areas of patience, forgiveness and selflessness. I felt so undeserving of such a wonderful husband who seemed to have no problem in any of these areas. I learned a lot about having grace for yourself and to be thankful for the blessings God had gifted me despite my flaws. Everyone always said the first year of marriage is the toughest. They were right, but not in the way I expected. It was tough because I had to deal with a lot of things that Matt had already accepted me for, without me knowing those problems were even there. It was a very eye opening year.

And now here I am again, in the midst of big change, struggling with my own weakness. I admitted when we started this journey of parenthood that I was nervous of it rocking our boat. We had lived together before Rowan for almost 5 years. We had a pretty good balance going of working hard and enjoying our free time together. I knew having a baby would require sacrificing some of this but I figured we could find a new balance that wouldn't be so bad.

I didn't allow myself though, to think through what that sacrificing would look like. Here is what I am learning it looks like

-No more staying up to 3am and sleeping in until noon if I want
-No more catching up on my shows for half a day after my work week is over
-No more coming home Sat morning after working Friday night to backrubs and snuggles before I drift off to sleep
-No more taking my time in the bathroom to paint my nails, pluck my eyebrows, shave in a way I don't miss any spots, or ever soak in a tub
-No more family bike rides
-No more organized family room
-No more skipping lunches because I am too lazy to make something, I'm feeding two people now
-No more spontaneous date nights during the weekdays
-No more running into the gas station for a Dr. Pepper while my tank is filling up
-Less "smart grocery shopping" that would allow us to save money but meant I went to 3 different grocery stores, we are lucky to make it to one most days.
-Less disc golf
-Less alone time
-Less crafting/sewing/gift making
-Less new music listening
-Less picking up extra at work
-Less committees I have time for
-Less shifts with my closest work friends


I could probably think of more things I have mourned over the last 15 weeks if I tried harder, but I don't want to. When I step back from my little pity parties I have here and there I am hit with the fact that I am incredibly selfish. I look at this list and say get over yourself! Oh boo hoo your house is a mess and you didn't get a pop. It makes me embarrassed to list them out like this and look at what my life is "missing." I would give up any of these things for Rowan in a heartbeat, so why then is it so hard to be ok with letting them go?

I have been praying and struggling with this issue for a few weeks now but just recently have found words to express it. God has once again gotten ahold of my heart and reminded me to get it in check.  It's as though I have to teach my forgetful heart how I am called to live all over again. I am so good at being selfish if I let my focus wander and I hate that about myself. I have to re-remove idols that have crept back into my life. I have to prioritize my days not by the most urgent things but by the most important things....and those are not always the same. I have to die to earthly desires and put people first, esp my family. And most of all I need to find the joy in sacrificing. I know it's there when I look beyond my selfish tendencies, I just need to focus in on it.

This is also a good reminder as a parent to be patient with Rowan just as God is patient with me.

"Though I have fallen, I will rise. Though I sit in darkness, the LORD will be my light." 

Micah 7:8

Life fast forward

So this is what it is like to be a working mom, no time for blogging. This past month has flown by, the fastest month since Rowan was born. I have had very little time for reflection. Life is in living mode, survival mode, day by day mode. I will try to do a quick run down of pictures to sum up life these past few weeks and hopefully will have time to reflect later.

Declan's family invited us over for an awesome dinner and play date my last weekend of maternity leave. The kids were so cute together playing on Declan's mat and wanting the same toy :) I had a cute video of them playing but this silly blog won't load it.

 

Smiling during a feed. She has become very distractable during nursing, popping off to look around and smile at who knows what.

 

One of her last nights in this size swaddle pod before we moved up to the large size (12-20 lbs). She was busting out of this every night and it was starting to choke her around the neck. I tried finding a girl size large but could only find a boy size large on my day of errands. So she now sleeps in a dinosaur sleep pod :)

 

How most Sat mornings go, just hanging out in bed reading books and snuggling :)

Ninja Baby - What Matt decided to make her when I told him to put a headband on and dress her up.

First ride in the big girl stroller, she wasn't too sure about it at first.

 Going to the plaza art fair, an anniversary weekend tradition.

 

Even though the Chiefs are a disgrace to pro football this season, we will always be loyal fans. Ro had to dress up in her flannel to support despite their pitiful efforts.

 

Last but not least, a cute tub picture. Still loving baths, now enjoying them with toys :)

 

 Good night!

Hi Ho Hi Ho, Off to work I go

So I have made it through 5 shifts so far and have collected my thoughts about being a newly working nightshift momma.

Adjustment One: Breastfeeding

-Pumping round the clock and not breastfeeding your baby is for the birds. I miss looking at Rowan's face instead of a machine every feed. Props to moms of our NICU that do this for months on end.

-No one had given me any insight into what it would be like to have to pump, wash, dry and reassemble pumping gear as often as every three hours. I'm seriously considering getting an extra set of flanges and parts just so I don't have to wash and especially dry all the nooks and crannies one set contains.

-When I go to "pump" at work, I am actually pumping only 8-10 minutes. The rest of the time I am messing with the parts. So I end up being gone from my assignment for about 20-25 min which makes me feel slightly bad.

-Every time I pump when I am away from her I get stressed out if the amount isn't what I expected. 3.5 oz totally gets me worried my supply is tapering off only to then pump 6 oz the next time and breathe a sigh of relief. I need to freaking chill out.

-It's great we have a pump room on our floor that I can use, unfortunately it is a little awkward when you meet your baby's mom back there. Oh hey Rolanda, I know I just told you little Neveah is having a bad night and you cried at the bedside but lets forget about that and pumping side by side together. Or hey Kitty, I know I said I would watch over little Miracle but as soon as you left the bedside, I left too and am back here pumping and not rocking your baby to sleep. I mean awkward is the only word.

-Trying to figure out when to pump when away from Rowan is a trial and error process. Currently I am pumping when she would be eating, which sounds like a great idea but I work nights remember. So I pump at 930 and again at 530 while at work...awesome. Then I pump at 830 before bed and proceed to wake up every 3-4 hours to pump then try to go back to sleep. This is not easily achieved because I have to wash, dry and reassemble everything for the next time I wake up to pump and after I have done all that I am awake. My body isn't so sure it wants to fall back asleep at 2 in the afternoon after I have fully woken it up. So we will try this a little longer but may have to resort to another option. I just know if I were to try and sleep all day and not wake up to pump, my body would make so much milk I would either wake myself up from pain or leak all over the bed. So I will have to brainstorm into how to make that transition work smoother if I go that route. Another concern with that is that I will confuse my body as to when it needs to be making milk and I will either make way too much all the time flip flopping from days I am off to nights I work or I will loose my supply. Neither are really preferred.


Adjustment Two: Being able to empathize, not just sympathize with moms

-So the first night I came back and had babies cry on my pod, my heart instantly broke a little and I had the urge to breastfeed them all to make them feel better....creepy

-Now when babies give me different expressions I relate them all to Ro's and respond in similar fashion as I would to her.

-I am more thorough in giving parents updates and asking how they are coping/healing/feeling than I was before.

-The thought of watching parents loose a child right before their eyes terrifies me and I hope it will be awhile before I have to witness that, too much putting myself in their shoes would happen and I would be a bawling mess. My hormones need more time to adjust to work.


Adjustment Three: Being away from Matt and Rowan for long stints.

-It's just as crappy as I thought....that's about all


Adjustment Four: Being around my co-workers again

-It's just as great as I thought and has been so good to catch up with them



So overall I give going back to work a B- on weeks I work 3 shifts and a B+ on weeks I work 2 shifts, not too bad. Matt has done awesome getting Ro ready and off to family in the mornings so that has helped a ton. My mom came to us the first week and now Ro goes to her house, so that was a nice ease into working as well. My mom and Leslie have been great and I sleep better during the day knowing she is with them. Now all that is left is just getting settled into our new little routine!

Three Months Old

What better way to say Happy 3 month Birthday than for mom to go back to work? My 12 week maternity leave was up last week. How has that much time gone by?! You are such a sweet pea and are getting more fun the older you get. Your coos and noises and smiles make my day.

-You laughed for the first time at Beth when she was playing with your pully duck in the car with you. She caught it on camera which was awesome. Then about a week later you laughed for dad when he was making fake sneezy noises while changing your pants. I was at work and missed it again. I'm officially jealous I have yet to capture these giggles myself.

-You fit into most 0-3 and 3 mo clothes. Some brands are much bigger than others so you can't wear everything yet. You have a LOT of 3 mo summer dresses with no sleeves or short sleeves that I are trying to put you in often. It is getting colder though and your one cardigan is getting a lot of wear.

-You are sleeping from about 9 at night until 5:30 or 6 in the morning. Then you eat every 3-4 hours during the day and sleep for an hour and half between each feed.

-You are taking bottles well and eat about 4 oz every time, we are so thankful for that since you take a lot of bottles when I work at night and sleep during the day.

-We finally took you on a ride in your big girl orange jogging stroller. You were unsure about it at first and are still warming up to the idea that you face away from us now on walks. I'm not sure I like that much either.

 

-I think you like reading books. You turn your head from the left page to the right page and watch me turn the pages. We went to the library and picked out more books with fun colors, animals and shapes. The book you most consistently focus on is the color book you have. We sign the colors above the pages as we say the color outloud. You stare from the book, to our hands signing, to our mouth, then back to the book.

 

-We started signing animals with you too. Many of your toys are animals so we have been working on those.

 

-You can put yourself to sleep for naps now. If you are drowsy or starting to get fussy, I can swaddle you, give you a paci and lay you in your crib. Sometimes you loose the paci andI have to replace it but soon after you settle in and fall asleep.

 

 

-You have started to scoot and wiggle. I will put you on your playmat and come back to find you sideways on it. Somehow you kick enough to move your booty around. You are no longer safe to leave alone on high surfaces.

 

-For the first time I noticed something I ate made your tummy hurt. Katie cooked us chili the week I went back to work to help us out. It was fabulous and I ate a ton. You were really gassy, not smiley and pretty cranky the rest of the night though. Thinking it was a fluke and wanting seconds, I ate the leftovers the next night. Much to your dismay, the same thing happened again. Poor baby, no more chili for mom I guess.

 

-You are starting to get little bald patches where you lay on your head the most. Lucky for you, you have longer hair that can be swept over those spots and cover them up!

-Our favorite outing this past month has been going to Wyandotte County Park and playing tennis. We take you in your stoller and walk around until you fall alseep. Then we park you next to the court and play while you sleep. Good times

-You can now hold your rattles, your O ball and your soft squeaky books. You like things that make noise or sing to you. You also love admiring yourself in the mirror.

-I can finally nurse you lying down or sidelying without letting down on the other side and making a mess. Hooray, you love it!

-You like to grab your clothes and pull them up to suck on. Your cute belly hangs out if you don't have a onesie underneath but you don't care.

Happy 3 months princess, we love you!