The Start

There are a lot of things I always said I would wait to do until we had kids. Who needs to see a picture of Matthew and I on a Christmas card? What do we have to catch on video that we would always want to remember? What would be interesting enough about our lives to ever write on a blog? Sending Christmas cards, buying a video camera and starting a blog...our life has finally reached that point.

"Remember, Remember, the 5th of November."
If anyone knows Matt, they know he loves to quote movies. Almost to a fault. Almost to the point where he can carry on a whole conversation just speaking in movie quotes. I try to throw in a quote here or there and always fail. I get the line mixed up or the phrasing wrong and then he shakes his head and laughs at me. But this quote I was proud of remembering better than Matt, he started.....Remember Remember, November the 5th....then paused all confused realizing he was wrong and I corrected him! (We won't mention tha once I got him started, he went on to finish the whole speech perfectly. He had just watched V for Vendetta so it was a little unfair anyway.) Anyway, this quote will always stick in my mind now because Nov 5th was the day we found out we were going to be parents.

Wow.

I am still processing what this means and that it is happening to us. I am trying to wrap my head around the idea that God wants us to raise one of his children. Something I have dreamed of my whole life, I now seem so unfit to do. I thought my intial reaction to a positive pregnancy test would be pure joy. I would be elated, Matt would take time to process and then later we would celebrate together. Instead I was giddy for about 5 seconds before I felt this overwhelming wave wash over me. The weight and responsibility of it all was numbing. Coupled with the awful nausea I was feeling at the time, it left me feeling vulnerable and scared. I mean my life is wonderful. I have been so blessed with an incredible husband, family, friends, and job. Who am I to say I need anything more? Why would I risk rocking this boat of happiness? Why am I not just content with it being Matt and I? I have wrestled with these questions and others this past week before God broke into my self absorbed world and shook things up. All the questions I had centered around me, not God. I was speaking as if getting pregnant was all my choice, my decision. While I agree I had to help with the mechanics of it all, he is the one saying open your heart to love more, add someone else to your sailboat, stretch yourself out of your comfort and contentment and embrace this child I have blessed you with. Timing is the father's business and his timing for our family is now. And though I may be, He is not overwhelmed.

So here is to starting a new chapter in my life that will be characterized by learning to trust, having faith and living in life, not fear. He is not overwhelmed.