How were my maternal and Matt's paternal instincts so wrong? What a crazy feeling. We both have thought, from very early on, that we were having a boy. Neither of us could say why but we just did. We had started discussing boy names, very briefly, I had looked at boy clothes and nursery ideas and my mind just wandered to all things boy. Maybe that was God's way of preparing my heart to be content with whatever gender it was.
I have always been scared to be the mother of all boys. I only have one brother, Matt is the only boy in his family and the rest of the combined 8 kids between our families are girls. I know boys have a lot of energy that needs to be channeled into constructive not destructive actions and you have to strike a balance between "letting them be boys" and teaching them structure. With one boy or maybe two, I think I could give it a shot. The thought of having 3 or 4 boys and no girls though made me want to break into a nervous sweat. Girls are all I know. I know they are not easy and have their own sets of issues, but with all our sisters, I have experience with that at least. I kept thinking, if I could just have a girl first, I would not be care about the gender of any of my pregnancies from here on out. I would at least have a girl and that could be enough. My mom's pregnancies with girls were also harder. She was more sick, in the hospital getting IV fluids all the time and had trouble eating much through the whole pregnancy. I thought if I was having a boy this time, I had a chance of this all being worse the following time if it was a girl. That terrified me.
When it boils down though, I ultimately wasn't trusting God to be bigger than my weakness, my nerves and my fears. I could give a list of the reasons I wanted girls over boys but they were all silly in light of what having faith says. So during these first 17 weeks I prayed for peace about having a boy. I thought about all the positives of boys, about all my friend's sons and how wonderful they are, about having a "little Matthew," in the physical sense. So far the past couple generations of Clark boys I have met all look the same, so I can safely guess our son would have looked just like his father. With me thinking more about baby's health, I didn't end up praying/thinking about this all the time. But when nerves or doubt would creep in, these are the things I would choose to focus on. Ultimately God has the perfect plan for what our family will look like, not me, and I am thankful he is in charge.
Which led us to Thursday. Both of us knowing it could be either option, but both of us convinced it was a boy. So when the US tech said, "Mom, you know what three lines mean..." I about fell off the table.
To Be Cont.....
I love that last picture : ) I almost cried reading this post. so much love and happiness the two of you look like kids yourself so giddy with the fact that your own kid is going to be a girl. I love you. I can't stop looking at baby girl stuff online. I've created a board too you can follow! Pinterest and Babies are bad for getting much else done at work haha
ReplyDeleteYou don't even look pregnant! Love it. can't wait to see pictures of your little girl.
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