Love

This topic has been on my mind a lot lately. I have often heard parents say that they love their kids in a very unique way. Some moms have gone as far to say it is the best love they have ever felt; that when their baby looks at them or smiles at them, their heart just swells. People talk up the connection they have with their unborn babies or new babies as this amazing relationship. I have literally been told by one mom, you think you love your husband but just wait until you have a baby, then you will know what love is.


Can I be honest and say that I am just not there yet. I care about our baby, I am excited about our baby, I am thankful for our baby but do I really love our baby? I feel like the answer should be yes, of course I do! I feel like I would be a bad mom to say no. But if I am being honest with myself, with what my experience with love has been, I am not sure if I do. Since I now sound like a heartless person let me explain.
 

The deepest love I have ever felt has come from two sources in my life. If my baby was going to match up to or exceed any love I have ever felt she has big shoes to fill. Those shoes would belong to God and Matthew. The love I feel from these two sources is unbelievable. It is different from any other love because both of these people know me deeply and intimately. They know my faults, my fears, my imperfections, my sins and all the things I try to hide from many other people. They know all of that but still choose me. God comes into relationship with me each day with a fresh slate, a clean picture, another chance. He doesn't dwell on my past sins, hold grudges for what I have done or make me pay for my mistakes. He chooses to love me for who I am, an imperfect person. It is an undeserving love that I will forever be grateful for. I will never be able to love God in the same capacity that he loves me, it is far too great. So then I turn to my earthly example, my husband. Matthew is my best friend. He knows the true Rachael. I keep no secrets, I hold nothing back, I am an open book of crazy emotions and thoughts. He has seen me when I have been ugly, hurtful, ornery, spiteful, cruel and unforgiving. I have said things and treated him so poorly at times in the decade of knowing him, that he had every justifiable right to leave me, to not forgive me, to hold grudges. But he hasn't. He has stuck around, he has committed his life to me and he loves me. You see, love to me doesn't come without a price. It takes work, dedication, selflessness. People say their husband isn't the same man they once married, that the spark of love has faded into daily life together. It is easy to fall into the lie that love doesn't require effort, well unless you are God and that is part of who your character is. But since we aren't, we have to work at it. Who is patient, kind, not self seeking, not prideful ect all the time? No one. You have to choose to love, choose to clothe yourself in all its virtues. Do I think Matthew gets upset when I am snippy or rude to him, of course I do. But instead of getting mad at me, he puts aside his own pride and loves me despite my faults. This love that I am so undeserving of is the deepest kind of love I have ever experienced. It is the same love the Lord pours out on me and it is the same love I attempt to return.
 

So when I think of loving my baby, it is just different. This baby will love me by default, because I am her mother. I have seen some terrible examples for mothers where I work, but their babies love them just the same. This baby will know nothing about me, nothing about my faults, nothing about my character but will want me, will prefer me. It is just such a foreign concept to me. It seems like a much simpler, shallow love. It seems like the easy road to soak that relationship in and be consumed by this baby and its love, instead of working on loving others. Maybe that is why marriages struggle finding a new balance once a baby arrives. Maybe it is just easier to love this innocent baby than it is to love your imperfect husband. Although he hasn't really changed at all, he has always been imperfect, maybe it is just your attitude or lack of sleep/patience/compassion that has changed.

So maybe there is a different love that parents have for their children that I have just yet to experience. I hope there is, I hope I am blown away by it. I just also hope that by being mindful of the grace and love I have been shown, will help me preserve it. This undeserving love that has been shown to me is so unique because it calls out worth in people. It says you are worth attention, you are worth forgiveness, you are worthy of being loved. That is a big prayer of mine heading into parenthood, that Matt will continue to feel worth from our marriage, that he would feel loved. And that we will be able to give thanks to God for all the blessings and love we have received. And lastly that our daughter will feel loved. It may take me getting further along in pregnancy, or seeing her face for the first time, or learning her personality for awhile, but somewhere along the way I will realize and be able to confidently say that I love my daughter. Until that time I rest in knowing that the God who has shown great love to me, has loved her all along. He knit her together, he sees her heart, she is precious to him. He watches over her, protects her and loves her better than I will ever be able to and in that I find peace.