I took a bit of a blogging break because I was starting to feel pressure to post every event or little thing that we have been doing and I just don't have time for that. So I needed space to remind myself I am doing this to capture memories and share our lives with friends and family, but not at the expense of having another thing to stress about.
With that being said, I wanted to capture this milestone in writing. When Ro was born our goal, if possible, was to breastfeed her until her first birthday and then switch over to milk. I feel so blessed that we were able to make it a whole year with me working nights and pumping and keeping my supply up. I would say it was equal parts us and nature that made that possible. Us for the countless hours washing pumping gear, storing breastmilk in the fridge, freezer and deep freeze, rotating through the milk in an orderly fashion as to not waste any, waking myself up out of a dead sleep to pump, getting up with her every feeding I was home to nurse, lugging around my pump with me on dates and times I was away from her and so on. Exclusively breastfeeding while working is a job itself. Well the feeding part is fine, the pumping part is hard work. I never anticipated how much work and effort it would take and it has made me a cheerleader for all the mommas I work with as they pump for their premature/sick babies. The other equal part is my body just being blessed with the ability to sustain a supply of milk that fed her that whole year.
I have been anticipating sleeping through the days again when I work back to back nights for a long time. I have been excited to put away all the pumping stuff and not see it again for awhile. I have been awaiting the time when my body would be completely be mine again and being used or depended on by anyone else. But I also have been sad to leave the last thing that has made her seem like a baby still behind.
We started weaning when we got back from South Carolina and this weekend I breastfed her for the last time. Typing that now almost makes me tear up. I didn't think I would be sad about ending it, that the good would outweigh the sad. If I'm honest though, it has been more sad than I thought. 13 months of looking down at that sweet face snuggled into me and cuddling with her in the early hours of the morning or late hours of the night, those were my favorites. If I just think about the way she calmed when she nursed and became all limp and snuggly I get really sad. Then I try to remind myself about pumping and I get over myself.
We started by dropping the night nursing session since she often got a bottle at that time when I went to work anyway. Then we dropped an after the nap feed, then the other one and we stuck with the morning feed alone for the longest stretch of time. I thought I would keep nursing her just in the morning for awhile but my supply tanked after we dropped all the other feeds. She was still hungry after nursing and supplementing with breastmilk from a bottle was not worth me hanging on to those few ounces of nursing. I only felt discomfort in dropping that morning feed, the others my body adjusted well. I also had the approach of if she wanted to nurse or went looking for it, I didn't withhold. So even though I would have dropped a feed, if came in with a bottle after nap and she kept burying her face in my chest, I would let her nurse what she could and then bottle feed her. This happened most frequently at night. I figured it was a comfort thing for her and for me, I felt like a bad mom for having milk and withholding it from her. In the last week or so I have dropped off a lot of how much milk I am making and I know there isn't much there after morning time. So not to frustrate her over that I have been trying to just offer the bottle. It really tears me up when she refuses the bottle from me and wants to nurse. I have had to turn it over to Matt to get her to take a bottle sometimes because she is used to taking one with him. I'm almost thankful my supply just dwindled away because I feel like I would have guilty heart not continuing. My body was made to make her milk and cutting that cycle felt selfish at times. Especially on nights she would wake up and want to be comforted or days she struggled napping and I knew that would lull her to sleep. Times that I used that ability not just for milk but as a form of love are the times that I struggle with most, even now.
She has still only gotten breastmilk her whole life, this week we will introduce her to regular milk by starting to mix her bottles. She is flying through our milk supply in the deep freeze now that she takes bottles every feeding. We are also starting to crack down on the bottle and make her start using sippy cups. No one told me that it would be a hard transition away from a bottle. Since she has used sippy cups for a long time with water I thought it would be fine. That is false. She will drink water out of there any time of day but milk in a sippy throws her off. We even bought new "special cups" with lions and elephants on them. She loves her new special cups but turns out only to hold and carry, not to actually use.
And I guess that is the end of our breastfeeding tales. I am thankful we did it and sad it is over. I think because Rowan did many developmental things on the earlier side it has made her grow up a little quicker. In my eyes this was the last baby thing we still had going for us and dropping breastfeeding makes my baby officially a toddler.....cue the momma tears.
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