Circus Act

The past few weeks have been really rough for me. I wish I could say I was adjusted to working and being a mom but even though the routine has been established, my life has not gotten less stressful. Work really isn't even the big source of my stress though. The juggling of all my different roles is what is wearing me down. The two most important roles of my life are being a wife and being a mom. Navigating the waters of how to balance those jobs out is the hardest challenge for me still. Mom Rachael and Wife Rachael often have competing interests. Then you add Regular Rachael, Friend Rachael and Nurse Rachael on top of it and I really start to struggle finding peace. Matthew has never put any pressure on me to keep a clean house, make dinners, do the laundry, manage our finances and shop....that pressure is created by me. In my defense, the last 4 years of our lives I have successfully done all these things so I am used to the pace and pattern it takes to get them all done. Throwing a baby in the mix and adding, feeding, playing, washing, diapering and teaching has just really slowed me down. I want to still be able to do all the things that make me feel successful as a wife all while being a good mom and I have to own up to the fact that it just isn't working. On days Ro doesn't take an afternoon nap and is cranky, I will hold/entertain/distract her while trying to not be annoyed that there are piles of laundry, dishes and an empty cupboard staring me in the face screaming failure. Work sometimes comes as a relief to escape the guilty feelings of not being able to do it all. At least at work I can still commit 100% of myself to do my job well and feel good about my time spent, but that's because I only have to wear one hat. At home I wear multiple. If I just focus on being a mom and wife, I then start neglecting myself, friends, and family. I will go days not showering, having quiet time, any alone time really, or exercising. (Exercising?.....What's that again?) I won't have play dates, girl talk or catch up time to be invested in my friend's lives. When these things fall by the wayside I really notice myself losing it. I need time with God to keep me centered, I need friends to keep me grounded, I need my family to support me. But I also need to be present for Matt and Rowan. And there lies my problem. It is just a lot. I feel like such a lame-o saying that. I mean, how do moms with multiple kids manage? They take showers and look presentable, they cook dinners, they have girl's nights, so what am I missing here?

I had a melt down this past Monday and was so frustrated with this whole situation. I was feeling almost resentful towards my new life and blaming it for making me feel that way. I escaped to small group where three wise women spoke some much needed truth into my life. They listened, gave advice and recounted some of the message from this week's sermon about peace. Our pastor made the comment that peace is not found in absence of chaos, it can be found in chaos. It is not dependant on life being fixed of all things stressful, instead Jesus wants to meet us in our stressful chaotic life and be present through it all. How great of a truth is that because I am sure my life will ever be chaos free ever again. And it doesn't have to be to still find peace. So my goal this advent season is to open myself to God's peace. To take stock of all that stresses me and prioritize. To let go of some things. To remind myself it is not my agenda but God's that matters. To be open to being a vessel he can work through. To start my day with him, knowing his grace covers all my imperfections and not being able to do it all does not mean I am failing. Easier said than believed but I am sure going to try!