And I finally took some pictures of her last pieces of furniture we acquired.
We also got some more sweet gifts for her lately. Lesley and Jake, Natalie, Brandon and Julie and Beth got us these fun outfits and accessories. I love navy on little girls so I in turn love these outfits. Then Beth and Roy brought her back the shoes from their CA trip, adorable. We are so lucky to have such giving friends. I continue to be touched by people's generosity.
Now that all the fun picture sharing is through, I will get back to my original thought. Oh viable age. I am convinced only NICU nurses think about this milestone as a scary one and not an exciting one. I have been talking to a lot of people this week and processing outloud what that means to me and the emotions I have tied to it.
If you are a worrier by nature, I think most moms will agree that they get nervous at 3 stages of pregnancy. First, they are nervous about miscarrying during that first trimester. Some say they are happy to be sick or wish they were sick just so they could be assured the baby is still in there and doing ok. Then they get over that and get nervous for their big 18-20 week ultrasound that shows their baby is healthy and growing well. That US usually picks up any major defects or abnormalities in development and when the tech tells you everything looks fine, you breathe a big sigh of relief. Then everyone talks about how great the second trimester is and they enjoy themselves until they get closer to labor, which brings on the last stage of worrying before pregnancy is over.
I can relate to each of these stages somewhat but as I have posted before, God has really calmed my heart and brought peace into to those places I thought would only hold fear. But for some reason I am struggling with this additional milestone that people don't really talk about much. The worry that surrounds reaching viable age, which is why I am convinced it is a NICU curse of some sort. I have clung on to the fact that if anything happened to our daughter up until this point, there was nothing Matt and I could do about it, it was all in God's hands. Though I never want to experience what losing a child would be like, I acknowledged my lack of control over the situation and trusted in God's plan for our family. Up until 23-24 weeks gestation there is absolutely nothing medically that can be done to save a baby if the mom goes into labor or if the baby starts to have problems in utero. It can not survive outside of mom. But, if you can make it to that point where you hit this magical number of weeks, all of a sudden the conversations change. If that baby makes an early arrival, there are decisions to be made. I think I am frightened because it would be our first official decisions as parents. I know God would be present to us at that time but the Doctors would be looking at us for the go ahead. I want our first parental decisions to be things like, Do you want to cut the cord? What side do you want her to feed on? What do you want to dress her in? Not decisions like, Do you want her to be intubated? Do you want meds given? Do you want us to do everything possible? Now I realize for some people this is not a worry because there is no decision to be made, of course they would ask for everything to be done! They would say save my child and it would be in the doctors hands at that point. I unfortunately have a different perspective on that scenario. I have seen the 23 weeker rushed to Children's Mercy intubated and "saved" only for it to arrive and us to say, why did you put this kid through this...there is nothing we can do. At that point you proceed onward with care but in the back of your mind there is something telling you this is not right. This child was too little, he is suffering too much, there has been too much damage done. These are not fun things to think but it is a reality all my co-workers and I face at some point. You wonder if the parents asked for everything to be done because they thought this was the best possible thing for the child or because it was the best possible thing for them. I struggle realizing I will have to separate myself from my daughter one day and make decisions that are in her best interest, even if that means they break my heart.
Then even if they do survive their early entry into the world, it is an uphill battle to get to term gestation. They are at risk for bleeding in their brain, a neonatal infection that can eat away their intestines, complications with their heart's ability to close certain ducts, loss of vision and stiff undeveloped lungs that end up needing a home ventilator to keep working. Now I know these are worst case scenarios. I know 24 weekers can be born and make it home with no complications, I have seen that happen too. I am just trying to show that my perspective is broader and is colored by experiences I live through at work every week.
So in the face of knowing all these things I find myself having to make some choices. Am I going to live the next month or two worrying or am I actively going to reach out for the comfort God offers and enjoy this trimester? I was reading my devotional book this week and Wednesday's passage jumped out at me, speaking directly to this fear. It was a story about a boy who's grandma promised him a stamp collection book for Christmas. Christmas came and went and nothing arrived for the boy. His mom was let down her mom forgot but the boy was unfazed. He was convinced grandma just didn't mail it in time and it was still coming. Two months passed and the boy decided to write his grandma a note thanking her for picking out the best book for him, even though nothing had come. A week later his grandma wrote him back and explained she had ordered 2 different books, had back order problems and shipping problems but thanked him for his patience and sent him money instead to pick out the book he wanted. He was so excited and told his mom, "See I told you Grandma was sending my gift!" Now on the surface to me it looked like a cheesy story and I would bet money that grandma DID forget and was covering her butt. And I felt the boy was jiped by getting money sent to him. Come on grandma, you took the easy road out after this kid sent you a cute letter...lame. However, if you step inside the mind of this little boy and the faith he had that his grandma would come through, it is a good reminder. The devotional finished with this statement, "It is only human to want to see before we step out on the promises of God.".... "Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed." John 20:29
God makes promises to us, they are littered throughout the Bible. And He always follows through on them. It is my job then, to have faith in those promises for me and my family. I need to anticipate God's good plans, not just thank him after the fact. That is how faith can bring about true peace. These are the promises I have picked to center myself on over the next few weeks. We would love for you to pray along side us, if you feel so compelled.
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
"Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes, its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit." Jeremiah 17:7-8
"They cried to you and were saved; in you they trusted and were not disappointed." Psalms 22:5
"Do not be afraid, for I am with you." Isaiah 43:5
Stay in there little nugget! Keep growing and getting bigger. Love Mom and Dad :)
I love your belly pic this week!!
ReplyDeletePraying that your mind and heart will be at peace these
next few weeks! C'mon June!!